How to Avoid Dating Burnout and Build Real Connections on Dating Apps
How to Increase Vulnerability on Dating Apps Without Burning Out
Let’s face it, dating apps can feel like a never-ending cycle of swiping, messaging, and dates that lead to... well, nowhere. If you're feeling burnt out, trust me—you’re not alone. The constant back-and-forth of talking to multiple people or going on date after date without making a real connection can be exhausting. And don’t even get me started on the dreaded “good” answer to “How was your day?” eye roll.
But here’s the thing: it’s actually possible to assess connection early on. Yes, you heard that right. You don’t have to wait until the third date (or the third drink) to figure out if there's chemistry. The key is vulnerability—but I know, that’s easier said than done, especially when you’re messaging back and forth.
Let’s take a step back and acknowledge something real here: it is hard to build an emotional connection via messaging. Like, we’re basically trying to do the emotional equivalent of holding a conversation through a piece of cardboard. It’s not easy to feel someone's energy through a screen. And guess what? That’s okay. This isn't about forcing deep convos from the get-go; it’s about being intentional and leaning into the possibility of real connection when you can.
So how can you break through the surface-level small talk and start building that emotional connection? Here's a cheat sheet for you, with some tips to help you dig deeper (and avoid the “How was your day? Good. How about you?” trap):
1. The Thorn and the Rose
Ever had a day where half of it was a hot mess but the other half was a total win? Well, this is where you get to ask about that! Instead of asking the typical, “How was your day?” try asking, “What was the thorn and the rose of your day?”
This opens the door for your match to share something personal—something that gives you a glimpse into their emotional world. Was there a moment they struggled with, or something that really made them feel good? How they respond can tell you a lot about their emotional availability, self-awareness, and whether they’re open to deeper conversation.
And let’s be honest, a rose and thorn moment will make the convo a lot less bland than just talking about the weather.
2. Ask About Their Hopes, Not Just Their Plans
Instead of, "What are you doing this weekend?" try asking, “What’s something you’re hoping to do in the next few months?”
This subtle shift helps you move from transactional, “I’m busy, you’re busy” talk to something more forward-thinking. It shows you're interested in more than their day-to-day—you're curious about what they’re passionate about or looking forward to. It’s also a great way to see if your goals and interests align. Plus, people get excited when they talk about what they’re passionate about. It’s a win-win.
3. Go Beyond the Surface with "What’s Your Story?"
So many of us are scared to ask deeper questions too soon. But here's a cool trick: ask “What’s your story?” and let them define it. It’s broad, yes, but it also gives them the space to talk about the things that have shaped them—their past, experiences, values. Sometimes a simple question like this can spark a much deeper and more meaningful conversation than you might expect.
It’s like giving them permission to talk about what truly matters to them, and you might just learn something unexpected that helps you connect.
Final Thoughts: Connection Over Convenience
The truth is, if you keep playing the game of “How was your day?” and exchanging good vibes, you’re going to get bored, and the conversation will eventually die off. Building vulnerability requires effort, patience, and a willingness to show a little more of who you really are. So when you sense that spark, lean into it. Don’t be afraid to get real, ask the deep questions, and maybe even get a little uncomfortable.
Dating is about connection, not just filling the time with text bubbles. So, if you’re feeling burnout from shallow conversations, it’s time to get intentional and see who’s actually ready to open up with you. Who knows? Maybe the next time someone asks, “How was your day?” you’ll have a little more to work with than just a “good” answer.
Go forth, be vulnerable, and remember, this whole dating thing doesn’t have to be as awkward as that first “Hi” message. I know it is scary to be vulnerable because of the fear of rejection. But look, if they reject you for your vulnerability, they probably aren’t the one for you and not what you want in a partner. Right? We will dive deeper into that in another blog ;) You got this.